When I first came out the joy and happiness I experienced led me to believe that the only course to pursue was full sexual reassignment, My feminine side developed so rapidly and integrated into my personality as if I had always been a girl.. I made many mistakes and did allot of soul searching.. I also had to reconcile the whole situation with my religious beliefs "Read My Religious Views for My struggle with that aspect.. Anyway I joined the local Las Vegas Tri-ess chapter and I would recommend Tri-ess to anyone seeking to express their fem. side and to learn the basic skills of womanhood .. I found it a great help in gaining the self confidence to let Barbra walk in the sunlight.. Weather your CD, TG or TS you will find it a good starting point.. Anyway I soon realized that I was not satisfied with just casual Crossdressing and I started taking hormones, Now I had already lost most of my muscle bulk gained from weight lifting during my denial years in a seven year bout with CFIDS and allot of the rest was lost when I went on a strict vegetarian diet I used to loose the weight gained from drugs given to me to relieve the symptoms of the disease, Why vegetarian you ask?? Have you ever seen a muscle-bound vegetarian?? and besides soy products have small but helpful estrogen content.
Well finally I started female hormones and they began to reconfigure both my mind and body and I went through the traditional crying spells that I believe come from the hormones activating the female side of the brain and the sudden flood of new emotions basically turns you into a basket case till you adjust to living with them.. I will add here that you really need friends around to help you through the mental roller coaster as your emotions are so overly amplified that common sense and your grasp of reality become so distorted that without someone to anchor you to reality you could find yourself playing Russian roulette and I'm not kidding.. Anyway having surviving that my body softened up a bit and I now have a bit of a fanny where there was none before but alas I take after my mothers side of the family and only developed a tad more that a A cup although I think there's a little more growth available I just have to wait and see weather hormone fairy leaves me any more presents I'll let you know..
Having slowly moved on from Tri-ess and being somewhat of a Internet addict I realized that there were no Web resources in Las Vegas for the TG community. The altruistic part of my personality took over and the LV Transgendered Web was born, And although I have dreams of adding a TG web store, Mainly to make the Site self supporting. The purpose of this site is as a Helpline and TG Support and will always be a free resource on the web. That I promise you!! although small donations will not be refused..
Now comes the endless string of mistakes. In my desire to spend the rest of my life as Barbra and the TG employment scene as bad as it is I opted for self employment.. My first thought was to write web sites and I made some money at it but I had one problem, As a male I made almost 50K a year and all my debts were structured around that income, Being unemployed I could not Re-finance and no mater what I did there always seemed to be more money going out than coming in, and my bank account kept dwindling..
Next I decided to try to get a job as a female but the money was getting very low and I still had not gotten beard removal.. Let me explain that mistake more fully.. Myself being a tech-ie I had great hopes for Laser Hair Removal and that pitted against 3 trips a week to Electrolysis led me to wait hoping that someone would design a laser system that would get FDA approval as permanent.. Well guess what no company has managed to do it so far and I'm starting to doubt they ever will.. And I will tell you five-o-clock shadow is a big impediment to getting a full-time female job.. So I will emphatically state "GET RID OF THE HAIR" first and foremost..
I kept resisting returning to the male world in fear that this would somehow result in me putting Barbra back in the closet.. I now realize that no one will ever be able to do that not even me!..
I have taken all the TG tests and I always come up class three or four on the TG scale and having lived as long as a did in my male disguise I have a fully developed male and female personality and after almost three years of living for the most part as a female I have come to my balance point and find that I can be happy with one foot in each world.. and truthfully what it all boils down to is what will make the girl inside happy.. I will still pursue a high degree of feminization of my body for I enjoy my female side much more than the male.. But in practicality I will probably let the boy work and the girl play and for the time being this seems to be satisfactory.. Now don't get me wrong here I would like nothing better than to live and work as a female 24-7 but right now I'm making survival decisions but they are small trade offs not self sacrafices and If by chance a extraordinary situation presents itself 100% full time female will go back on the fast track..
If you noticed I refer to Barbra in the second person allot, This seems to be characteristic of class three - four TG's, and although indicative of a split personality, I am well aware of my total self but going from male to female with me is like flipping a switch and the personality change is quite amazing but I will say the switch favors the female side and resists going the other way. Barbra is my full personality free to express my full emotions and feelings, My male self is a shackled subset and constrained to the limits set by the Quote worlds definition of acceptable male behavior which I find to be quite contemptible
How do I feel about who and what I am you ask?? I am a creation of God not a freak but a rare creature as a white lion is rare and if the world would get over their sexual hang-up's they might see the beauty it.. There are many cultures where TG's are prized and and it is considered to be a gift of God.. I refuse to feel guilty, I was born this way and God only knows why and I hope to ask him some day but in the meantime I have shed the guilt and fear and learned to love myself for who and what I am.. No mater what, I don't think the Lord created me to live a guilt ridden miserable life eating antidepressants and drowning my pain in a liquor bottle..
One can only find happiness as a complete person.. You cannot seal half your personality and feelings away in a closet and expect to keep your sanity.. The girl inside wants her day in the light and the longer you try to keep her locked away the harder she will fight you to live.. She is part and parcel of your being and she has been crying away for years in that dark closet.. If anyone did that to another human being they would be locked up for child abuse yet we do it to ourselves based on some preconcieved fear.. What I have found is no amount of pain the outside world can inflict upon you comes anywhere close to the pain she lives with in that closet.. When I finally let her out it really was a anticlimax the worlds response was nothing like the fantasies of horror my mind had perceived would befall me and The first words out of my mouth were what the hell was I afraid of and then a brief period of kicking myself in the fanny for not opening that closet years ago followed..
The facts are this,, If you don't let her out she will eventually Claw her way through the closet door kicking and screaming or she will kill you trying.. Be Warned !! . She becomes more determined every year because she sees the reflection in the mirror getting older and her chances to be a a attractive lady fading and It will take more and more antidepressants to keep a smile on your face.. And the truth is the world is not as cruel as the fantasies of horror you have let stop you from becoming a whole person .. The girl I locked in the closet almost killed me before I let her walk in the light and Thank God she found her way out because for the first time in my life I am happy and I found my long lost smile and a few giggles to go along with it..