Whether or not to tell one's wife
often raised and discussed among transvestites is
whether or not to tell one's wife about the predilection to cross-
dress. Along with that question is how to go about the process.
The pornography of transvestites often deals with it by developing
a wife who either immeidately falls in love with the "new
girlfriend" or decides to turn the situation into a domination
Neither of the above is what normally occurs in real life, of
course. The revelation will introduce stress into the relationship
and that stress will ultimately destroy that relationship unless
properly handled and released.
Counselors experienced in transvestism recommend various courses,
but can be summarized by the following:
1. The wife should be told. Keeping a secret will ultimately
poison the marriage in other ways which will not immediately be
2. Involve a counselor immediately. The transvestite may,
through prior study, know many of the answers to his wife's
questions, but a counselor will have a better chance of being
believed by the woman.
3. Talk a lot with your wife. Talk not only about the cross-
dressing, but most of all about other things. She will be
threatened by the cross-dressing. You must assure her that it is
not a threat to her or the relationship.
4. Do not pressure her to see you dressed. Remember, she
married a man and will be disturbed by the sight of her man dressed
as a woman. Each woman is different in how she will react to the
revelation, and most will not want to deal with the actual sight of
the cross-dressing. Seeing the clothing is not a particular
threat, in fact it may be good for her to see them to remove any
thoughts of hers that there is something "strange" in your
5. Establish clear boundaries in which you can remain and
still have opportunities to dress. Be honest, but at the same time
be sure you don't push her into something with which she is not
comfortable. For example, you may establish a room in the house in
which it is okay to keep your clothes and times when it is
acceptable. Arrangements need to be agreed to as to where the
transvestite can go while dressed...outside...if so where and when?
Don't expect too much too soon.
6. Decide early on whether you want to keep the marriage.
That is the principle decision. If that is a priority, then the
decisions and compromises make concerning cross-dressing become a
bit easier. It is easier to decide that keeping the marriage
together is more important than insisting that she go shopping with
you while dressed, for example.
7. Should you tell the kids? Probably not right away, and
certainly not while they are very young. They have so much to deal
with without having to handle daddy's strange habits. This is not
to say that they should never be told, but the time should take
into consideration what is happening in their lives as well.
8. Keep the lines of communication open. Check it out daily.
Go for walks with your wife where you can talk about all the things
that affect your marriage...most of the walk/talks will not even
involve talking about cross-dressing. If the communication is
open, other things become open as well.
9. Don't be afraid to go back to the counselor periodically
for a checkup, both as a couple and singly. The times alone with
the counselor allow each partner to air issues which are difficult
to address with their mate. The counselor is also a good check on
your boundaries to be sure they are realistic.
10. Keep the job and the cross-dressing separate, especially
if you are not absolutely sure of their reaction to your cross-
dressing. It is important to maintain an income to support the
family, and love has a difficult time surviving poverty.
11. It would be nice if all people in the world accepted
transvestites and never even cast a passing look your way. Being
more realistic, however, one must recognize that it is possible to
lose a job (legally or otherwise) or at least go through a great
deal of difficult time. It may not be worth it, despite any
altruistic motives you or others around you may have.